Intuitive, psychic, sixth sense.... i've got something- no, it's not a STD--- but one of the three former things mentioned...or maybe i just want to believe..

This morning as I was getting ready to go to work, and letting my thoughts wander, I started thinking about some things and somehow started thinking about an old Billy Joel song...It didn't just pop into my head, but was the result of a stream of thoughts about this and that. 

"I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life. I don't care if you tell me it's time to go home.... I still belong, don't get me wrong......la la la la la la ....but not on my time..."  The theme from Bossom Buddies.  It popped into my head and I was kind of singing it to myself.

Well, I was sitting in the den putting my shoes on and kept hearing something crackle.  It was a radio in the kitchen that I had turned the volume down on earlier.  It's kind of broken/kind of old and crackles when it's on and the volume is down.  So I went to turn the volume back up on it and it wasn't on a channel.  So as I was tuning it, guess what song popped on, at the very beginning of it  -   the Billy Joel song. Right at the beginning. As I was thinking about it.

Well, it was pretty freaky.  I could see if it was a current song, but it wasn't.  And what made me go into the kitchen at that time to catch the song right at the beginning?   Is there a message in the lyrics?  What does it all mean?  Do I have some kind of untapped intuitive potential?  Oh, the possibilities...

My Life
52nd Street Released: 1980

Got a call from an old friend
We used to be real close
Said he couldn't go on the American way
Closed the shop, sold the house
Bought a ticket to the West Coast
Now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don't get me wrong
And you can speak you mind
But not on my time

They will tell you you can't sleep alone
In a strange place
Then they'll tell you you can't sleep
With somebody else
Ah, but sooner or later you sleep
In your own space
Either way it's okay
You wake up with yourself

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don't get me wrong
And you can speak you mind
But not on my time
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone

Oohhhhhhh...iT fEeLs LiKe I cAn FiNaLlY rEsT mY hEaD oN sOmEtHiNg ReAl.....i like the way that feels....

OooHHHHH...it's IF u KNEW me BeTtEr than I eVer Knew MySelf...I lovE hoW U Can teLL....all the p    i   e  c  e  s...... p  i e  c e  s.....p i e c e  s of mE....

Yay!  It's my FRIDAY.  Kinda.  I have no work/class tomorrow-- just a "brown bag" lunch&learn series for an hour and a half which features a free lunch. oh boy!

I'm glad this week is over.  I've blown off some stuff I didn't feel like doing and didn't want to do this past week, and really didn't have time to do & took care of other stuff.  But....I really don't care.  I may have screwed myself over on some things, but oh well.  I'se tired of being stressed out!!! screw the system!  screw obligations!!! 

A professor who I could have sworn was racist and always half ass speaks actually stopped to talk to me while I was on my way to class this evening.  The sky must be planning to rain blood soon.

Read this week that the R&B singer Houston gouged his eye out.  Gouged his eye out. Gouged his eye out.  I saw it online at work and it FREAKED ME OUT.  Apparently, he was over seas and was about to jump from a thirteenth story window.  Somebody stopped him and they locked him in a downstairs room by himself.  Somebody went to check on him and saw he had a towel over his face and saw his eye hanging out when they picked it up.  Of course when they said there were pics on the Internet I had to find them.  Freaking Gross.  My friend said it looked like egg salad.  It is yellow and green and pussy, though the area around it was just puffy and red.  The articles I read said he might be schizophrenic.  What I don't understand is why somebody who is about to commit suicide is locked in a room by themselves.  Um...anybody ever heard of "suicide watch?"  Unles the room is padded and he's wearing a jacket with straps on it.  It's a very sad story, and I've heard nothing on the radio or television about it.  That's not to say it hasn't been on there.  But they said he was trying to get the "deveil off his back."   I just hope the baby gets some help.  Ah well...

I'ma getting sleepy...

Banking on the fact that not a lot of people read my site, I'm going to share a personal email I wrote to a friend and the reply I received.  I know she won't read it- but it amused me so in its entirety (sp), and I haven't posted in awhile, so what the hey.  This is friendship for ya.

ME:

Just wanted to let you know I sank to the lowest rung of "fatdom" yestersay.
I went to Sonic on the way home and ordered a chicken toaster meal with onion rings and a strawberry creme shake yesterday.
The top was falling off the shake so I took the top off and held it in one hand while I drove and ate my onion rings with the other.
Well, I was eating the rings and licking on the milkshake, when i looked at the milkshake. Then looked at the onion rings. then looked back at the milkshake.  Then looked at the onion rings.  And yes, I dipped my onion ring in my milkshake.

And I liked it.


<<sigh>>

I don't know if that's sadder than my "depression pops" or not- sticking a spoon in a tub of icing and licking it like a lollipop.

MY FRIEND:

Oh no son, you have not sunk to the lowest rung of fatdom.  The lowest rung is dropping a nacho chip on your dirty ass floor (or flo as some brothas in prison say) that you have not attempted to sweep in weeks and saying "fuck that" outloud and then looking...yes looking at the nacho in the light to make sure there is nothing too gross on it and then proceeding to eat the nacho like you don't have a plate full of fatty ass cheese covered chips to consume....yea that is sad...and yea I did that...and yea I will probably die.  So you keep dippin your rings my friend....you keep on.

When it rains, it rains, and rains and rains and pours...

it's been a hell of a week. it's been a hell of a day. not sure where to begin, but monday seems like a good place.

monday: had irs tax preparation training. it was over 4 and a half hours. anybody who would trust me to do thier taxes brain must be fried. anybody who thinks i can do taxes, correctly, brain is fried as well. i and another lady at work were certified with a test that just meant to me that i retained just enought information to half way get the problems right (with help) for the computer part, and by (kind of ) looking at the answers for the written part. i told the people at work i didn't like math. don't like it in any shape, form, or fashion. who listens to ray? nobody. nobody at all.

tuesday: thought my sister from out of town was leaving, but she ended up staying a little longer. i didn't feel like working yesterday. i came and opened up the building then said i had "errands" to run, and didn't know how long it was going to take. yeah, i had no intentions of going back. went to have lunch with two of my sisters at On The Border, and then did some shopping. bought some books, some shampoo/conditioner/bodywash in all three. yeah, all in one. they're not as scented as i thought they would be. and pretty costly for that little letdown. some hair and and make up products, like i need any more of those. oh well, if i don't treat myself, who will...? i enjoyed my day off. my respite. my day of relaxation. could have used two. i was inspired by a friend to do so who does the same b/c she goes through so much bs on her job too, a place i used to work as well. 

 wednesday/today: (sigh) it was all about work today. things started off normal enough. but we got evicted from our building today. it was quite embarassing.  as i write this, i'm watching channel three report on it. guy came in around noon and put us out. had people take all the crap out of the office and sit it on the curb.  it was from nothing i did, and it could have been prevented by someone higher up than me, b/c i sure didn't come in ready to move junk. and we're supposed to go in at 9:00 tomorrow to sort through all that crap that we had to throw in garbage bags. bull. i'll get there when i get there. there's no rush on that stuff.  i don't have anything against the people who work with me personally.  there may have been some unwise decisions made. but i really need to contact my internship coordinator at school and find somewhere else to go. i don't feel like dealing with any of this mess.  my project will be put on hold so i'll really be doing stuff not associated with what i was brought on to do. i don't want that kind of stress. i really don't.  don't need it. school starts next tuesday and i've got three classes- M/T/R.  i've had no rest really, except for the ice storm, for the holiday break. i want a nice cushy in house internship/GA copying papers for a professor.  or a job that's stable. getting evicted?  not in the game plan. not fun. not productive.  not my idea of a good day.  and when the news crew came my boss had the nerve to send me down there to tell the guys moving to say "no comment."  are you kidding me? I never got out my car. when i couldn't get the guys attention, i rolled on. he's a grown man, he could find something to say. it made me wish that i had bought tint for my windows instead of a CD player for my car.   today, the tint could have been useful.  so from noon until five, it was really nothing but bullshit. so maybe i won't have to worry about the tax prep (even though i was told we were still going to try to do it- what for? there are bigger fish to fry right now).  and maybe i can get out of this position. it's making me lose my mind, truthfully.  it's stressed me out, not so much the work, but other little aspects of it.  for the lady to have the audacity to say come in to box that stuff up is crazy. AUUGGHHHH!!! it makes me sick, really, really sick. all of it. after all the crap that went on today, who wants to go put stuff in boxes tomorrow and try to sort through wads and stacks of semi soggy paper (b/c it was raining today) and computer cords and junk. I gave a desk chair away to a lady who had a truck and said she'd take some loads over to the "storage" space.  i may not have had the authority to do that, but ah well. one less thing to worry about in my eyes and more work was getting done faster. sucky, sucky, sucky day.

darn it all. i really had some other stuff i wanted to expound on. not today though i guess. i'll file it away in my mental rolodex for another time...

for now i think i'll slip away

and live to (insert adjective here of choice-laugh, cry, joke, jump, love, hate...pick your own. really. these are just suggestions. it's all you baby!)

another day....

"According to the Bible, God made the heavens and the earth. It is up to man and woman to create their own private hell."   ~Rod Serling, Twilight Zone, "Night Call."

yes, the marathon is still on. according to my program schedule (thanks Shayla) there are nine episodes left.  The 46 hours are winding down.  if i had the kind of solitude that i wanted, i would not have moved this weekend.   yes, it's that serious.

so it's the first day of the new year.  i didn't make any resolutions. no point in that. i think, for me, i need to have realizations. with resolutions, i realize the demons that i have battled for 24 years are not going to disappear overnight. my outlook, my beliefs, my issues, will persist.  i can't say that i'm going to stop procrastinating, or spend less money on frivilous things, or .... fill in the blank here.  there are things/issues that i actually have to face before i can change them. i can't resolve to make changes among fuzzy problems in my mind that are easier to live with if i can't quite look at head on. have to take a inventory of what's going on now, my own shortcomings, my own fears, my own issues, my own bad habits, and be honest about them with myself, and with others, and i guess go from there. i want to look at the people in my life, my work situation, my living situation. i've really got to deal with the fact that, so many times, i hate this city, and all the memories that come with.  the people around me don't make it any easier.  i guess if i had to pull a resolution out of my realizations, it would be to find some peace.  peace of mind. whatever that may entail. peace to be where i am until i can get to where i am either supposed to, or more than i am right now. hmmm...it all sounds like self improvement gumbo at 12:09 in the a.m.  but it makes sense among the madness in my head.

speaking of my head, i let my sister cut my hair. i got it cut not too long ago, but she took off quite a bit more.  she supposedly layered it, but I won't know for sure how it's going to come out until i wash it, which, i'm getting sleepy right now, probably won't happen tonight.  but i was cool w/ the length & ok with how it turned out despite a little issue we had with the sides.  i was ok with it until i walked in the den and my mama saw it and she frowned all up and asked if i cut my hair, and when i told her my sister did she asked why it was so short.  thanks.

realization 4 tonight: i know i'm a sensitive person. i let people's comments/actions whether they're harmless or not, cut pretty deep. but to be fair, those kinds of comments get thrown my way a lot, from many people.  it's like a festering sore.  you can't just shake them off if you don't have time to heal between them. it's just one thing on top another, on top of another, on top of another, and i just need a metaphorical band aid that can manifest itself in the form of a short trip or something.

i can't figure out how to add the pics of the music that i'm listening to, but i bought John Legend from Target this week and it's pretty good.  but i'm listening to a number of other things too. but i'll go ahead and post this before my aol shuts down again for some unknown reason... (ok, so i did an edit, and this may show up. i don't know. i'm sure there's got to be an easier way to do this than how i did it though).

"Problems...lose their incisive edge of horror, because we are so familiar with them."  ~Rod Serling, "To Serve Man"